First, I apologize for being absent this last 6 weeks. I will be honest and say I just didn’t feel like blogging. I won’t however apologize for the raw nature of what I am writing today. This is not an excuse but rather my attempt to rationalize my summer to date in my own mind and give some glimpses of how to move forward in any struggle.
If you have read some of my past posts, you know I struggle with depression and anxiety. And boy have I been struggling. My recent car accident has thrown me into a period that is difficult at best and oppressive at its worst. I, unfortunately, know now what flashbacks are like. The sudden onset of what I can only describe as an alternate reality. I re-live the moments before, during, and after. The sights, sounds, motion, and feelings. Thanks to my wonderful therapist, I am learning that I can mentally rewind these flashbacks and change them to something different and less traumatic. In essence, I am tricking my brain to make it more comfortable.
My family is also going through change. For the last three years I have been the working parent and we chose to have my husband stay home and be the caregiver for my son. Now that he is older, an opportunity that my husband couldn’t pass up came forward, and he is now working as well. This to has brought on what I can only call mommy-guilt about not being home and having a child who may have to go to child-care five days a week. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely behind my husband’s decision to go back to work. It will likely give us the ability to move to a more ideal home in the ideal school district. It will also give us the opportunity to pay off the rest of our existing credit card and loan debt. All of the positives should outweigh my mommy guilt, they just don’t some days. I need to give myself more grace and remember we have chosen as a family both situations and that they are the right choices for us at this time.
All of this has paralyzed me into NOT living. I have retreated back into myself and have been increasingly unhappy. I literally looked in the mirror this morning and cried. I know things have to change, I don’t know what that means. Then I looked at Facebook and a friend had posted this article. It spoke to me, and encouraged me to get this post out. To take step one in recovery, to accept where I am, but not accept staying here.
I don’t have the answers but I look forward to finding them. Find your balance and live the YingYang Life!